Strollers bested by Bohemians in season opener

In the absence of an official match report by either the skipper, Christopher Peewee John Lucas or the vice skipper George Samson Cornell Brown I shall take it upon myself to post a quick summary.

On a fantastically sunny Sunday afternoon the 2009 season started with a win. Of the toss that is. Chris Lucas made his first and possibly a fatal decision. To field. This caused much dissent and unrest in the ranks. Chris’s second decision was to play a forty overs a side match as opposed to our more normal 35 over format. This caused much dissent and unrest in the ranks. [With Matt Morgan in particular fuming like some out of condition Scotty off the Enterprise “the Captain’s asked for more overs, but I canna gi’ it to him, I jes canna”].

Simon Boughey opened the innings bowling downhill on the “postage stamp of despair” [Ferme Park] just next door to the “field of dreams” [Highgate]. And despair it was as Boughey probed on and off a length and Bohemians opening bat Hayley probed the ball out of the park for huge boundaries. Graeme Holmes bowling some old shit from the bottom end also got carted and the tone of the first eight overs was set. Obviously this lead to much dissent and unrest in the ranks.

Bohemians raced to about 60 before Chris Lucas took over form Simon and bowled a containing line and length spiced up with a little inswing. He was rewarded with the wicket of the suspiciously good Hayley and there was rejoicing and much merriment in the ranks. Another Bohemian then went lbw to Lucas and right on the back of the previous merriment we instantly had more merriment and rejoicing in the ranks.

Spencer, fresh from his Mr T “I got da nuts” TV advert shoot, came on at the bottom end and bowled a tight testing line ending up with three well deserved wickets for a thrifty 28. There would certainly have been more rejoicing and merriment, but frankly we were all a bit bored by the excitement at this stage.

When drinks eventually came at 22 overs, it did look like the Strollers were firmly in command with those frankly not particularly bohemian, Bohemians at about 130 for 5. I definitely think they should try to grow their hair straggly, wear bandanas, pirate patches and shoot up ketamine and glue while driving orange Dodge Chargers through the fences next year if they are to keep their name.

But on resumption the Bo’s big guns seem to fire up and Strollers were pounded and plundered for another string of ridiculous boundaries. K***** sulked his way to a half deserved wicket and Graeme got a small moral victory with the penultimate ball of the innings, but frankly the visitors had played the tiny Ferme Park pitch like a charm and racked up a sizeable 265 for 7 off their 40 overs. At 6.5 per needed, the Strollers would have to carb up over tea.

Unfortunately due to the “controversial” forty over allowance and the fact that the sun was fluffing it’s duvet in preparation for bed, tea was savagely cut short by the skipper yelling “everybody eat up and get out”. There was bloody fury in the ranks. Tea is the main reason many of us turn up at all and to have the Batenburg literally dragged from out of your mouth warrants a full enquiry once the enquiries about Iraq, Politicians Expenses, the McLaren team, policing the G20, why Jade Goody smelt and BBC phone votes are concluded.

K***** went in at number one [as opposed to his “mythical” and more usual number two. But frankly no matter where he bats he’ll still be a “number 2” to many of us]. And the poor little lamb was so calorie deprived that he could hardly lift his batty-watty and was bowled second ball. “My first ever duck for the Strollers” he muttered to no one in particular.

Chris Deavin and Graeme then consolidated matters for a few overs, but with runs desperately needed Graeme foolishly charged the wily Archdale and was stumped. This had the benefical effect of bringing Spencer to the crease and the Mohawk mammocked the opposition in a mirror slaying of their best efforts, sending perfectly formed parabolas of sixes to many parts of the miniscule ground, racking up his best ever Strollers score; a punchy 57. But once again refreshments played a dastardly part in proceedings and after drinks Spencer lost focus and holed out to short midwicket. The increasingly relaxed and efficient Deavs [44] was then joined by a succession of the so called Strollers’ big guns. The Lucas-Brown-Morgan-Betts middle order reminds me of the side of Nelson’s ‘Victory’ all out of date armament and heavy balls or possibly the great expanse of the Maginot line, so effective in allowing the Nazis to occupy France. In the heat of battle they became pop guns and wet farted their way to a limp 44 between them. Although a special mention must be made of Dickie’s first ever Stroller’s 6 – a marvellous, aggressive, f###-you-cancer-scare pull to the leg boundary.

After the middle comes the tail. “Where’s his wheelchair” Mickey Leighton got a shooter that removed his off peg [not his peg leg] and Simon Boughey looked up for a final thwack but played all round a straight-un. Andy Moorhouse looked like a man up for “a fackin’ fight – do you want some??!!” but was left stranded on a fine 15. Strollers all out for 207.

Throughout the new skip was imaginative and responsive in the field and made some bold, bright moves that augur well for the new season. The truth is though that with their tight bowling line and big hitting “going aerial” strategy the Bo’s played the constrictive, enigma of Ferme Park better than the home team. And played one, lost one… well that’s not going to go down well in the ranks.

Graeme Holmes
29.04.09

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